I have made a promise to myself that I am going to write more blog entries. I am also going to make my blog look more professional. And I'm going to write about things that don't involve my personal life (although the personal entries will continue). I was going to update and then write about other subjects, but my pain and fatigue (not to mention a poor attention span) are overwhelming me today. So for now I will give a short update. Soon, I will write about non-me topics.
As far as my current situation, it isn't drastically different from my last update. I was discharged from physical therapy and feel a lot more capable of handling daily life, including work. I have been more physically active, although I contracted what I'm almost certain was H1N1 while in Austin (my trip lasted from October 6-9 and I was sick until the 14) and have yet to get back into full swing with my yoga and cardio routines. I was doing yoga at least twice a day and cardio (at the North Lakes Rec Center) a few times a week. The weather change (rain+cold front=ouch) is currently hindering my progress. But I hope to get back on track soon. I'm also working on finding a job. I'm going to the UNT Career Center on Tuesday and I'm hoping they can help me out. Obviously I'm doing something wrong. Or the economy has gone down the crapper. Who knows ...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Music is Happiness
Since today was actually a pretty great day, especially compared to the past two days, I thought I would talk about something not related to my health. I will say, however, that plenty of sleep, lots of fluids and yoga have worked wonders to make me feel better. Who need pain pills? I sure don't.
Another thing that has helped, other than the support of loved ones, has been music. There have been three albums in particular that have helped distract me from the various upsets life has thrown my way.
The first is Wilco's self-titled album. Wilco has been one of my favorite bands since my older brother introduced me to them. But I listened to this particular album streaming a few weeks before it came out and wasn't impressed. It took listening to it three times, all the way through, for me to realize how brilliant it is (just like all of their other albums). Every season, I tend to find a new album I get hooked on (particularly after a breakup). Wilco (The Album) is my summer/breakup album for 2009. I had been looking for something to break my musical rut, and that album did it for me. Wilco (The Song), One Wing and Bull Black Nova are particular favorite tracks. But it's beautiful from start to finish. I love Wilco's poppier side. Summerteeth is my favorite (possibly second favorite now) Wilco album. But you mainly here the Beach Boys and the Beatles on that record. On Wilco you can also hear Television (which makes sense because they're one of Tweedy's favorite bands and Tom Verlaine recently gave him guitar lessons), ELO and the Kinks. But every track is still clearly a Wilco song.
The second album is Dark Night of the Soul, by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse. Sparklehorse (Mark Linkous) wrote the songs and Danger Mouse provides the beats. Vocalists on the tracks include Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), The Flaming Lips, Vic Chestnutt, Iggy Pop and David Lynch (who also made a book of photographs to accompany the album). Currently, the album is on hold because of a dispute with EMI. But until then, the book is available at Amazon.com and you can listen to the album streaming at NPR.com. I've only given the album one listen, but my favorite tracks thus far are Star Eyes (I Can't Catch It), sung by David Lynch, and Just War, sung by Gruff Rhys. The album is what you would expect from a melding of Danger Mouse's beats with Sparklehorse's lyrics and ethereal musical sensibility. It merits the attention it's been getting. I hope it actually comes out, and soon.
The third album is by The Thermals, a punk band from Portland, Oregon. I must say that over the past couple of years they have increasingly become a favorite of mine. Now We Can See came out in March, but I just got around to (legally) downloading the full album. I'm glad I did. The album, like their others, is chock full of infectious beats and hooks. Hutch Harris' vocals and guitar are powerful and clear and Kathy Foster shows off her multi-instrumental talent by covering drums, bass, piano and backing vocals. As far as I'm concerned, The Thermals are power pop/punk at it's very best. The lyrics have deep meaning, but the music is so catchy that it keeps the songs fun. The tracks I especially love on this one are the title track (with its handclaps and "oh we oh we oooohs"), Liquid In, Liquid Out and Let It Go. But really the whole album is awesome and, like Wilco, bears repeated listening. It also makes you want to dance in your underthings (or maybe that's just me).
All three of these albums are pretty perfect altogether. I can't find one track I feel the need to skip over. That's why they make my list of current musical obsessions. Here's to more blogs about happy things like music. And here's to the talented people who make that music.
Another thing that has helped, other than the support of loved ones, has been music. There have been three albums in particular that have helped distract me from the various upsets life has thrown my way.
The first is Wilco's self-titled album. Wilco has been one of my favorite bands since my older brother introduced me to them. But I listened to this particular album streaming a few weeks before it came out and wasn't impressed. It took listening to it three times, all the way through, for me to realize how brilliant it is (just like all of their other albums). Every season, I tend to find a new album I get hooked on (particularly after a breakup). Wilco (The Album) is my summer/breakup album for 2009. I had been looking for something to break my musical rut, and that album did it for me. Wilco (The Song), One Wing and Bull Black Nova are particular favorite tracks. But it's beautiful from start to finish. I love Wilco's poppier side. Summerteeth is my favorite (possibly second favorite now) Wilco album. But you mainly here the Beach Boys and the Beatles on that record. On Wilco you can also hear Television (which makes sense because they're one of Tweedy's favorite bands and Tom Verlaine recently gave him guitar lessons), ELO and the Kinks. But every track is still clearly a Wilco song.
The second album is Dark Night of the Soul, by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse. Sparklehorse (Mark Linkous) wrote the songs and Danger Mouse provides the beats. Vocalists on the tracks include Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), The Flaming Lips, Vic Chestnutt, Iggy Pop and David Lynch (who also made a book of photographs to accompany the album). Currently, the album is on hold because of a dispute with EMI. But until then, the book is available at Amazon.com and you can listen to the album streaming at NPR.com. I've only given the album one listen, but my favorite tracks thus far are Star Eyes (I Can't Catch It), sung by David Lynch, and Just War, sung by Gruff Rhys. The album is what you would expect from a melding of Danger Mouse's beats with Sparklehorse's lyrics and ethereal musical sensibility. It merits the attention it's been getting. I hope it actually comes out, and soon.
The third album is by The Thermals, a punk band from Portland, Oregon. I must say that over the past couple of years they have increasingly become a favorite of mine. Now We Can See came out in March, but I just got around to (legally) downloading the full album. I'm glad I did. The album, like their others, is chock full of infectious beats and hooks. Hutch Harris' vocals and guitar are powerful and clear and Kathy Foster shows off her multi-instrumental talent by covering drums, bass, piano and backing vocals. As far as I'm concerned, The Thermals are power pop/punk at it's very best. The lyrics have deep meaning, but the music is so catchy that it keeps the songs fun. The tracks I especially love on this one are the title track (with its handclaps and "oh we oh we oooohs"), Liquid In, Liquid Out and Let It Go. But really the whole album is awesome and, like Wilco, bears repeated listening. It also makes you want to dance in your underthings (or maybe that's just me).
All three of these albums are pretty perfect altogether. I can't find one track I feel the need to skip over. That's why they make my list of current musical obsessions. Here's to more blogs about happy things like music. And here's to the talented people who make that music.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Day Two
Last night, I was certain that today would be much better than yesterday. I was wrong.
It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Purge
I have decided to write what will probably be my most raw and least comprehensible blog post thus far. I am currently going through withdrawal from hydrocodone, which I have taken for 10 years to treat fibromyalgia pain. Recent studies have shown that taking pain medication is actually counterproductive for fibro sufferers. Our brains are programmed to make our bodies feel pain, so the pain pills only cause more pain (after a certain dosage, at least). That was one catalyst for my decision.
Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.
Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.
Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.
I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.
Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.
Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.
Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.
I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Ah ... to be young and ... sick ... again (a.k.a At least I have my health ... oh, damn ... I don't have that either)
I hate to feel like I keep complaining, but being a young person with chronic health problems really sucks. I would put it more delicately, but that's the thing... I can't. Because I am angry right now about how it has put my life at a standstill for eight months now. I am not sure how much my cortisol levels have to do with my current situation and how much my FM is to blame, but either way it just blows.
And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.
I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.
But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).
I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.
I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.
While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.
Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.
I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.
And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.
I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.
But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).
I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.
I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.
While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.
Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.
I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Peanut Butter Plan
Yesterday I decided to join a new movement: The Peanut Butter Plan. The story, in a nutshell: A young man in San Francisco saw hungry people around him and decided to do something about it. So he got some friends together and made sandwiches to pass out to those hungry people. The PBP is spreading across the country. People who join pledge to make and hand out sandwiches at least once a month. I am the point person for Denton and am trying to get more of my friends to join and to start PBP's in their own cities.
This post strikes me as slightly ironic for two reasons:
1) I myself am not allowed to eat peanut butter or jelly and am discouraged from eating much bread, but I will be making large quantities of them to give to other people. It seems like I will be leading myself into the path of temptation. On the bright side though, I do have some peanut butter and jelly I can no longer consume myself so I can put it to very good use.
2)I just posted a blog about how I needed to relax more and learn to tell people know. I said I need to learn to let other people do things for me because I don't have the energy to do a lot myself.
The thing is, what I lack in energy I make up for in compassion (and in time, for that matter). And this thing is so simple yet so important that I can't not do it. It will only take about $10 in supplies, an hour of preparation and half an hour of handing out food (and interacting with people I normally wouldn't be in touch with) to make a difference in people's lives. I may not be able to provide all the meals they need, but I will at least make sure they have an extra meal one weekend a month. And I hope to eventually gather enough volunteers to have sandwich weekends every week.
At first I will probably go around passing out food on Sundays. I am going to do more research, but from what I learned writing stories about the local homeless a couple of years ago that's when they have the most trouble finding food. But it could spread to an entire weekend, then to every weekend. But this small first step will be enough to at least ensure that I am making some direct impact on the local homeless community. In Denton, the homeless are often ignored and I want them to know that people care about them.
On a selfish level, I think helping people will also help me. It will make me feel like I am making a difference in people's lives (my main goal as a journalist) and that will help me to relax and be happy. And I think every volunteer gets something back from it. Making other people happy makes you happy too. It's just the way it works. It's never the main objective of volunteering, but it's the best byproduct.
If you would like to help with my Peanut Butter Plan, or perhaps start one in your city, contact me or go to Peanut Butter Plan. I believe you need a facebook account to look at the group. All credit for this idea goes to Jory John of San Francisco. He's inspirational.
This post strikes me as slightly ironic for two reasons:
1) I myself am not allowed to eat peanut butter or jelly and am discouraged from eating much bread, but I will be making large quantities of them to give to other people. It seems like I will be leading myself into the path of temptation. On the bright side though, I do have some peanut butter and jelly I can no longer consume myself so I can put it to very good use.
2)I just posted a blog about how I needed to relax more and learn to tell people know. I said I need to learn to let other people do things for me because I don't have the energy to do a lot myself.
The thing is, what I lack in energy I make up for in compassion (and in time, for that matter). And this thing is so simple yet so important that I can't not do it. It will only take about $10 in supplies, an hour of preparation and half an hour of handing out food (and interacting with people I normally wouldn't be in touch with) to make a difference in people's lives. I may not be able to provide all the meals they need, but I will at least make sure they have an extra meal one weekend a month. And I hope to eventually gather enough volunteers to have sandwich weekends every week.
At first I will probably go around passing out food on Sundays. I am going to do more research, but from what I learned writing stories about the local homeless a couple of years ago that's when they have the most trouble finding food. But it could spread to an entire weekend, then to every weekend. But this small first step will be enough to at least ensure that I am making some direct impact on the local homeless community. In Denton, the homeless are often ignored and I want them to know that people care about them.
On a selfish level, I think helping people will also help me. It will make me feel like I am making a difference in people's lives (my main goal as a journalist) and that will help me to relax and be happy. And I think every volunteer gets something back from it. Making other people happy makes you happy too. It's just the way it works. It's never the main objective of volunteering, but it's the best byproduct.
If you would like to help with my Peanut Butter Plan, or perhaps start one in your city, contact me or go to Peanut Butter Plan. I believe you need a facebook account to look at the group. All credit for this idea goes to Jory John of San Francisco. He's inspirational.
Cortisol-ution: Week 2
I have just finished the second week of my new lifestyle aimed at bringing down my cortisol levels and improving my overall health.
Here's a little progress report (there's a summary at the end if you want to scroll down and skip ahead... but if you had better things to do than waste time reading about me, I guess you wouldn't be here):
I am sticking to my diet quite well-- I have been fighting cravings for foods with refined sugar, refined flour and caffeine but thus far have fought all such cravings. If I want something sweet, I eat some fruit, chocolate or vanilla yogurt (which I make with vanilla extract and agave nectar). I am figuring out how to be work with agave nectar as a low-glycemic alternative to sugar. Luckily I bought it several months ago and know how to use it pretty well. I am great at making chocolate syrup only using some agave nectar and cocoa powder, bother perfectly reasonable things for me to consume. As far as salty things go, I am encouraged to use sea salt liberally, so I have no problems there. And I am trying to come up with fun recipes involving other foods I am allowed to eat. Having only a toaster oven to cook with (we just bought a gas oven but still need the couplers to connect it) and being on a restricted diet can be stressful, but I'm trying to turn it into a fun challenge. I have noticed a decrease in appetite. On the surface, that's good because I was constantly hungry before. But I am supposed to eat every three hours and lately I have to force myself to do so. I may even need to set a timer so I don't forget meals (I've been doing that as well). While I haven't noticed real improvement in the way I feel because of my diet, I know that being consistent with it will be key in getting better.
Even though I haven't noticed the good effects of my diet, I have noticed one major downside. I have been experiencing excruciating stomach cramps and other unpleasant gastronomic reactions. I think the culprits are probably all of the raw vegetables I have been eating. In particular, I have been drinking one cup of tomato juice per day to make my omega 3 liquids easier to handle (I also dissolve a teaspoon of sea salt in it to cover the orange taste of the omega 3 (orange and tomato is not a good combo... and I am not allowed oranges so I don't get why I am taking this particular formula) and because it sounds better than dissolving it in water). I have IBS and my stomach is already acidic on its own. So you can imagine what dumping a cup of tomatoes, and sometimes eating tomatoes, along with eating roughage every day is doing to my poor digestive system. The thing is, I am not supposed to drink fruit juice and I don't know what else I can put the omega 3 formula in. I have an issue with taste and texture and think anything else could enter vomit territory. I already tried it with my cereal and it was hard to finish.
As far as keeping my stress level down, I am still struggling. For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier. I have a type A personality and want everything to be perfect. I have a need to be in control of things and my anxiety worsens when I lose that control. And it is hard for me to allow other people to do things that I think (or know) I can do better. But I have realized that I am going to have to ask David for more help, even if he doesn't do as thorough a job as I do. I mainly need help getting things unpacked and finally getting the house in order. And doing basic chores, like washing the dishes, is a draining (no pun intended) task for me. Most days I don't even attempt cleaning lately because of my lack of energy. And when I go out to run errands, especially to get groceries (another thing I have control issues about), it wipes out my energy reserves for the week. Keeping up with the bills also stresses me because I am the one who always does it and I worry about what will happen if I don't. I have been trying my best to rest without feeling like I'm being lazy. Knowing that my health depends on it helps a great deal. I mean, I knew I needed to relax with having Fibromyalgia, but knowing that my adrenal gland could tap out seems a lot more serious than having to deal with extra pain for a few days because I overdid it. I am learning to tell people "no" or "later" when they ask me to do things, even fun things. I am also learning to ask for, and possibly demand, help from the people in my life.
Along the same lines, the sleep thing is not going so well either. I just looked at the clock and it is 10:13 p.m., 13 minutes after my recommended bedtime. But I am honestly not tired. And I have had trouble getting tired, or staying tired, or falling asleep even though I'm exhausted, or staying asleep. Sleep, just like anxiety, has been a major issue I've struggled with since childhood. I was on Elavil, an antidepressant that was frequently (but not as much now) prescribed for sleep, when I was around six. And I think my anxiety has a great deal to do with it. But I've tried all manner of pills and supplements to alleviate the anxiety and/or to help me sleep. Some of them nauseated me, some of them made me feel high, some had no effect. Most worked but wore off unless I took higher and higher doses, usually reaching the highest healthy dose and being left once again with no help. The meds I am currently taking (klonopin) worked beautifully the first night and I had high hopes. But by the next night they had stopped helping. They relax me to the point of barely being able to walk, but they still don't help me sleep. Breathing techniques and guided relaxation help me fall asleep, but I almost inevitably wake up mid-sleep and struggle to fall asleep again. And being a light sleeper with a boyfriend and dog who both seem unaware of that fact doesn't help matters. I have been in bed for 11 hours almost every night as I should (and at least I haven't been shaming myself for it like I was doing before), but 8 or fewer of those hours are spent actually sleeping. I need something to turn my brain off. I overanalye things constantly, to the point of keeping myself from sleeping.
My emotional breakdowns have not improved. It would be best to ask David how many breakdowns he has seen me have over the past six months. It's hard for me to keep track... they get pretty intense so I generally don't stop in the middle and jot down which one I'm on. But my most recent one was a couple of days ago and it involved a desk. If a desk seems like a trivial thing to get upset over, you don't truly know a hormonal woman, or at least me in particular. The desk in question is a computer desk we did not have room for in the house, so we left it on the porch. Now, we were both well aware of the stringent policies in Denton banning indoor furniture from being displayed outdoors. But we assumed we would be rid of the desk before a problem arose. We were wrong. We got a letter in the mail, right before I took a trip to Wichita Falls to see my (former) pain management doctor, telling us we had 10 days to get rid of the desk. Well, being the worrier I am, I started stressing out about the desk and repeatedly reminded David to post the desk on Craigslist (he did and nobody wanted it) or find someone to haul it away (he did not do that). So, two weeks later we still had the desk and I decided to take matters into my own hands. He no longer had the pictures of the desk, so I went to the porch to take some. But the desk was not assembled. The (very heavy) shelf that goes on top was beside it. When I tried to put the (very heavy) shelf on top I dropped it and it broke in two. So when I again couldn't lift it I decided throwing the pieces of the shelf onto the front lawn would be a fine idea. That got David's attention and he told me to go take a nap. Instead I decided to lie down and sob uncontrollably for about ten minutes straight. And David was completely calm and rational the whole time. He sat beside me and comforted me. I decided not to lift heavy things without help anymore (my hands still hurt from that) and to eat my meals at regular intervals, even when I'm not hungry (I don't know how many times I have to learn that lesson). I think if I had eaten when I should have, I would not have been quite so irrational in my actions or quite so upset.
To summarize: I am eating the things I should, but my stress and anxiety levels are still too high and I need to get better quality sleep.
I am going to stay on course with my diet and do what I can to improve my sleep and relaxation. It's just hard for someone who prefers being busy to have to deal with doing very little to nothing. I basically have (or should have) Garfield's lifestyle right now-- eating several times a day and napping in between. For me, being inactive is more stressful than being overscheduled. I like having my day planned down to the minute. I like having a checklist with all the items checked off. So maybe I should have a checklist that has RELAX and SLEEP as two of the top items.
Here's a little progress report (there's a summary at the end if you want to scroll down and skip ahead... but if you had better things to do than waste time reading about me, I guess you wouldn't be here):
I am sticking to my diet quite well-- I have been fighting cravings for foods with refined sugar, refined flour and caffeine but thus far have fought all such cravings. If I want something sweet, I eat some fruit, chocolate or vanilla yogurt (which I make with vanilla extract and agave nectar). I am figuring out how to be work with agave nectar as a low-glycemic alternative to sugar. Luckily I bought it several months ago and know how to use it pretty well. I am great at making chocolate syrup only using some agave nectar and cocoa powder, bother perfectly reasonable things for me to consume. As far as salty things go, I am encouraged to use sea salt liberally, so I have no problems there. And I am trying to come up with fun recipes involving other foods I am allowed to eat. Having only a toaster oven to cook with (we just bought a gas oven but still need the couplers to connect it) and being on a restricted diet can be stressful, but I'm trying to turn it into a fun challenge. I have noticed a decrease in appetite. On the surface, that's good because I was constantly hungry before. But I am supposed to eat every three hours and lately I have to force myself to do so. I may even need to set a timer so I don't forget meals (I've been doing that as well). While I haven't noticed real improvement in the way I feel because of my diet, I know that being consistent with it will be key in getting better.
Even though I haven't noticed the good effects of my diet, I have noticed one major downside. I have been experiencing excruciating stomach cramps and other unpleasant gastronomic reactions. I think the culprits are probably all of the raw vegetables I have been eating. In particular, I have been drinking one cup of tomato juice per day to make my omega 3 liquids easier to handle (I also dissolve a teaspoon of sea salt in it to cover the orange taste of the omega 3 (orange and tomato is not a good combo... and I am not allowed oranges so I don't get why I am taking this particular formula) and because it sounds better than dissolving it in water). I have IBS and my stomach is already acidic on its own. So you can imagine what dumping a cup of tomatoes, and sometimes eating tomatoes, along with eating roughage every day is doing to my poor digestive system. The thing is, I am not supposed to drink fruit juice and I don't know what else I can put the omega 3 formula in. I have an issue with taste and texture and think anything else could enter vomit territory. I already tried it with my cereal and it was hard to finish.
As far as keeping my stress level down, I am still struggling. For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier. I have a type A personality and want everything to be perfect. I have a need to be in control of things and my anxiety worsens when I lose that control. And it is hard for me to allow other people to do things that I think (or know) I can do better. But I have realized that I am going to have to ask David for more help, even if he doesn't do as thorough a job as I do. I mainly need help getting things unpacked and finally getting the house in order. And doing basic chores, like washing the dishes, is a draining (no pun intended) task for me. Most days I don't even attempt cleaning lately because of my lack of energy. And when I go out to run errands, especially to get groceries (another thing I have control issues about), it wipes out my energy reserves for the week. Keeping up with the bills also stresses me because I am the one who always does it and I worry about what will happen if I don't. I have been trying my best to rest without feeling like I'm being lazy. Knowing that my health depends on it helps a great deal. I mean, I knew I needed to relax with having Fibromyalgia, but knowing that my adrenal gland could tap out seems a lot more serious than having to deal with extra pain for a few days because I overdid it. I am learning to tell people "no" or "later" when they ask me to do things, even fun things. I am also learning to ask for, and possibly demand, help from the people in my life.
Along the same lines, the sleep thing is not going so well either. I just looked at the clock and it is 10:13 p.m., 13 minutes after my recommended bedtime. But I am honestly not tired. And I have had trouble getting tired, or staying tired, or falling asleep even though I'm exhausted, or staying asleep. Sleep, just like anxiety, has been a major issue I've struggled with since childhood. I was on Elavil, an antidepressant that was frequently (but not as much now) prescribed for sleep, when I was around six. And I think my anxiety has a great deal to do with it. But I've tried all manner of pills and supplements to alleviate the anxiety and/or to help me sleep. Some of them nauseated me, some of them made me feel high, some had no effect. Most worked but wore off unless I took higher and higher doses, usually reaching the highest healthy dose and being left once again with no help. The meds I am currently taking (klonopin) worked beautifully the first night and I had high hopes. But by the next night they had stopped helping. They relax me to the point of barely being able to walk, but they still don't help me sleep. Breathing techniques and guided relaxation help me fall asleep, but I almost inevitably wake up mid-sleep and struggle to fall asleep again. And being a light sleeper with a boyfriend and dog who both seem unaware of that fact doesn't help matters. I have been in bed for 11 hours almost every night as I should (and at least I haven't been shaming myself for it like I was doing before), but 8 or fewer of those hours are spent actually sleeping. I need something to turn my brain off. I overanalye things constantly, to the point of keeping myself from sleeping.
My emotional breakdowns have not improved. It would be best to ask David how many breakdowns he has seen me have over the past six months. It's hard for me to keep track... they get pretty intense so I generally don't stop in the middle and jot down which one I'm on. But my most recent one was a couple of days ago and it involved a desk. If a desk seems like a trivial thing to get upset over, you don't truly know a hormonal woman, or at least me in particular. The desk in question is a computer desk we did not have room for in the house, so we left it on the porch. Now, we were both well aware of the stringent policies in Denton banning indoor furniture from being displayed outdoors. But we assumed we would be rid of the desk before a problem arose. We were wrong. We got a letter in the mail, right before I took a trip to Wichita Falls to see my (former) pain management doctor, telling us we had 10 days to get rid of the desk. Well, being the worrier I am, I started stressing out about the desk and repeatedly reminded David to post the desk on Craigslist (he did and nobody wanted it) or find someone to haul it away (he did not do that). So, two weeks later we still had the desk and I decided to take matters into my own hands. He no longer had the pictures of the desk, so I went to the porch to take some. But the desk was not assembled. The (very heavy) shelf that goes on top was beside it. When I tried to put the (very heavy) shelf on top I dropped it and it broke in two. So when I again couldn't lift it I decided throwing the pieces of the shelf onto the front lawn would be a fine idea. That got David's attention and he told me to go take a nap. Instead I decided to lie down and sob uncontrollably for about ten minutes straight. And David was completely calm and rational the whole time. He sat beside me and comforted me. I decided not to lift heavy things without help anymore (my hands still hurt from that) and to eat my meals at regular intervals, even when I'm not hungry (I don't know how many times I have to learn that lesson). I think if I had eaten when I should have, I would not have been quite so irrational in my actions or quite so upset.
To summarize: I am eating the things I should, but my stress and anxiety levels are still too high and I need to get better quality sleep.
I am going to stay on course with my diet and do what I can to improve my sleep and relaxation. It's just hard for someone who prefers being busy to have to deal with doing very little to nothing. I basically have (or should have) Garfield's lifestyle right now-- eating several times a day and napping in between. For me, being inactive is more stressful than being overscheduled. I like having my day planned down to the minute. I like having a checklist with all the items checked off. So maybe I should have a checklist that has RELAX and SLEEP as two of the top items.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My Search for a Cortisol-ution: Update 1
Today marks week one of my battle against the cortisol monster. So far, I am not AS constantly hungry, I have successfully avoided sweets (other than chocolate, mainly dark, which has a low glycemic index and a calming effect on me), caffeine (other than the aforementioned chocolate) and junk food. So yay for me. And the longer I go without the crap, the easier it will be. As I mentioned in my previous post, I've never been a junk food kind of gal.
Sure, I like ice cream, cake, cookies or chips every now and then as well as a good burger and fries or pizza. But I usually stick to indulging things like that once every month or every couple of months because I prefer how healthier food tastes and makes me feel. And I had cut out sodas (and all caffeine) completely. Then I was drinking them once a week, then every day. And I couldn't get enough salty and sweet foods. The cravings were insatiable and no healthy substitute was working. I was consuming processed foods like a maniac, and I'm completely anti-processed foods. As a kid my mom would give me a choice between candy and fruit and fruit always won. Sure, I at snack cakes and candy now and then and my mom bought me the occasional Happy Meal. But overall my diet has always been pretty healthy.
Luckily I now realize that I was not on the road to becoming a typical fat American who lives on garbage (I mean... that stuff should literally just go straight to the trash can and never enter people's bodies). I have noticed a clear difference in my cravings, probably because there's this switch in my head that I'm pretty good at controlling. Instead of on/off it says healthy/unhealthy. Now that I've switched it to healthy, I've been craving fruits, vegetables, fish and grains. I've done research on the foods I know will help me (low-glycemic foods mainly) and have read and re-read the literature my doctor gave me. So now my brain knows the foods my body needs right now. For the most part it’s all food I know is healthy anyway. But there are certain foods, like oranges and bananas (too much potassium which will make my already overworked adrenal gland work harder) that I love but need to avoid.
As far as the way I feel, today is better than the past few days but still not excellent. I have been extremely weak and dizzy (though much stronger today) but a lot of that is due to my period (which is a natural process and therefore I chose to include it in this blog about my health). I’ve decided I’m going to go for a short walk outside, with a friend in case I have any problems, because exercise is important. And I have been feeling so lousy that even a little walk or a short yoga session can wear me out, so I try to take advantage of any day that I feel decent. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better and next week I will see a huge difference in my health. For now, I’m just happy to be back on track with healthy eating.
Monday, May 25, 2009
You can have too much of a good thing (a.k.a. I need a cortisol-ution... a.k.a. My adrenal gland is near collapse)
A few weeks ago I had some blood work done. Having been a sickly child (and a sickly teen… and a sickly adult), I’m no stranger to being poked and prodded. I have had my blood work done more than a few times, most notably when I was diagnosed with beta thalessemia minor at age six and with Fibromyalgia at age 15 (the blood test was to rule out all other possible illnesses). But I have never had to fast like I did this time.
Did I mention that the main objective of the blood work was to figure out why I have been experiencing weakness, dizzy spells and fatigue (beyond what I normally experience with FM)? Those symptoms only worsen when I haven’t eaten. So driving to the doctor’s office and having blood drawn wasn’t exactly fun. An empty stomach plus loss of blood equals a weak and grumpy Jesseca. The phlebotomists even asked me if I was all right because I was visibly shaken up (and probably even more pale than usual).
I had to fast (and come in before 9 a.m., by the by… and mornings are bad for FM sufferers) so my cortisol would be at a base level. As I found out on Wednesday, when I went back to go over my results, my base cortisol level was 37.8. According to the paperwork she gave me, the normal level between 7 and 9 a.m. is between 4 and 22. If you don’t know about cortisol (and all I knew was that it made you gain belly weight… which I have), it’s a hormone released by your adrenal gland when you're stressed out. It can be a helpful hormone, giving us energy and motivation to handle a tough situation. But my adrenal gland is clearly releasing too much of the stuff. As my doctor (well, nurse practitioner, but that’s really semantics if you ask me) put it, “Even if I didn’t know you, I’d think you were a really stressed out person.”
And I am. I realized I was, but the test results were a real wakeup call. I was relieved to find out why, for at least the past six months, I have been experiencing: dizziness (especially during my period), weakness, non-stop anxiety, irritability, depression, mood swings, severe PMS, irregular periods (as in more than on per month, even though my birth control should have stopped them altogether), weight gain (mainly in the stomach region where I’ve never carried weight before), insomnia, extreme salt and sugar cravings, hypoglycemia, lack of concentration, memory loss and an inability to handle everyday stress. As I said, I have some of those symptoms because of Fibromyalgia, but they have been much worse than usual. I have been a big, crazy ball of emotions who can’t stand for thirty minutes without feeling like passing out. There was even an incident when I nearly fainted while sitting… in the car… during traffic. In short, I was at my breaking point. I thought it was from stress-induced exhaustion because we were in the middle of moving. And I was right. Now I know the extent of the problems stress has caused.
The relief of knowing what was wrong was accompanied by fear because of how serious this issue is and can become. If I don’t get myself back into shape, my adrenal gland could exhaust its resources. Luckily, we caught the problem before things got too serious. I know what I need to do to make myself better: get more sleep (11 hours a night), change my diet (basically- more protein, more complex carbs, no caffeine or refined sugars, low potassium), exercise more (which has been hard with the weakness but should be easier in a week or so) and relax. The first three are pretty simple. I have suffered from insomnia, but she gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I think will work. And I have always had pretty good will power when it comes to eating right and exercise (other than recent junk food binges and total lack of energy or motivation, which I now understand). But relaxation is not my forte. I have had to learn and re-learn relaxation techniques from various teachers, doctors, therapists and physical therapists. But I keep going back to my natural state of anxiety and stress.
Hopefully I can whip myself into shape and this will be the beginning of a new, relaxed (and belly-less) Jesseca. There’s also a good chance that getting my cortisol in check will help my FM go into remission. And then I will be able to work, which is actually much less stressful for me than not working.
I go back for a check up in a month and in the meantime I will to my best to post progress updates on this blog.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
From four eyes to two (Update)
Today, I embarked on a great adventure. Actually, I just went to the optometrist to get new glasses and... wait for it... contacts. Although it isn't the first time I've worn contacts, it has been four years. Apparently they've done a lot with contacts since I stopped wearing them. For instance, I stopped wearing them because they exacerbated my issue with dry eyes. But Acuvue Oasys lenses take care of that. I have heard of Oasys lenses before, but I was skeptical as to their effectiveness. But I'm here to tell you that Acuvue Oasys lenses (I'm not getting a kickback from them, but I have my fingers crossed that they'll give me a few free boxes if I keep plugging their name) really are as good as they sound. My eyes were not dry for one second of the four hours I wore them.
Sadly, there is no contact lens to prevent or alleviate the headache that new wearers inevitably get. I first got contacts when I was 13 and wore them for eight years. So it's been 12 years (for those of you not to swift at math) since I first wore contacts. I had forgotten how awful it is adjusting to them. Your eyes have a terrible time trying to focus. One eye can see better than the other. You feel the eye strain that wearing the wrong prescription causes and you wonder if your optometrist knows what he or she is doing. Then after you take them out you feel instant relief, other than the lingering tension headache.
What's even better is that I went into the office with a headache, including eye pain. So I had to go through the paperwork (new doctor), the eye exam and adjusting to contacts. Needless to say, my head and eyes are not happy with me. They are actually screaming at me right now to stop writing this blog and to do something that will give them a break. But I am hard pressed to think of an activity, other than, where I won't need my eyes. I could take a walk, but not with my eyes closed. And I think the sun and wind will make my eyes unhappier. Obviously reading a book is out of the question, which is a shame because I'm reading Cormac McCarthy's Border Trilogy. Watching a movie will probably be just as bad as using my computer since I'll be staring at a screen.
But I've gotten off-topic. I meant to write this blog so I could examine what getting contacts means as far as my self-identity is concerned. For four years, almost the entire time I've lived in Denton, I have been "that girl who wear cat's eye glasses." Now, there are several girls in Denton who wear cat's eyes, but I think to most people who aren't friends we might as well be the same girl (and even friends associate me with my glasses). Or at least we all fit in the same box. But even considering the fact that I am not alone in my choice of eyewear, my glasses make me feel like me.
Perhaps I have associated my cat's eyes with my being because I have grown a lot over the past four years. I have found my path in life- journalism. And my skills as a journalist have improved drastically. I have also become more comfortable in my skin and am on a path to self-discovery (pardon my new-ageiness, but it's true). I have also finally found a man I can be in a healthy, committed relationship with. All of these things have happened to me while I was wearing the same glasses. It may seem silly of me, but I see my glasses as not only an extension of my face but an extension of myself.
So when I think about it, getting rid of my cat's eyes was probably a good move. Maybe it will help me expand my idea of myself, or at least stop identifying myself by my glasses. I am a multifaceted woman. It would be a shame to pigeonhole myself.
Update: I decided to add some pictures of myself in contacts. For anyone who doesn't know me and is reading this (creepy), or anyone who knew me before I wore glasses, this may not matter to you. But you can still enjoy the pretty pictures, yes?
On a side note, I should use a different editor and fancy-up my blog. This layout looks kind of lame. But that will come in time. Also, I was too lazy to resize the pictures, so if you click on them you have a photo big enough for your desktop! But I'm guessing only a stalker would resort to that.
Sadly, there is no contact lens to prevent or alleviate the headache that new wearers inevitably get. I first got contacts when I was 13 and wore them for eight years. So it's been 12 years (for those of you not to swift at math) since I first wore contacts. I had forgotten how awful it is adjusting to them. Your eyes have a terrible time trying to focus. One eye can see better than the other. You feel the eye strain that wearing the wrong prescription causes and you wonder if your optometrist knows what he or she is doing. Then after you take them out you feel instant relief, other than the lingering tension headache.
What's even better is that I went into the office with a headache, including eye pain. So I had to go through the paperwork (new doctor), the eye exam and adjusting to contacts. Needless to say, my head and eyes are not happy with me. They are actually screaming at me right now to stop writing this blog and to do something that will give them a break. But I am hard pressed to think of an activity, other than, where I won't need my eyes. I could take a walk, but not with my eyes closed. And I think the sun and wind will make my eyes unhappier. Obviously reading a book is out of the question, which is a shame because I'm reading Cormac McCarthy's Border Trilogy. Watching a movie will probably be just as bad as using my computer since I'll be staring at a screen.
But I've gotten off-topic. I meant to write this blog so I could examine what getting contacts means as far as my self-identity is concerned. For four years, almost the entire time I've lived in Denton, I have been "that girl who wear cat's eye glasses." Now, there are several girls in Denton who wear cat's eyes, but I think to most people who aren't friends we might as well be the same girl (and even friends associate me with my glasses). Or at least we all fit in the same box. But even considering the fact that I am not alone in my choice of eyewear, my glasses make me feel like me.
Perhaps I have associated my cat's eyes with my being because I have grown a lot over the past four years. I have found my path in life- journalism. And my skills as a journalist have improved drastically. I have also become more comfortable in my skin and am on a path to self-discovery (pardon my new-ageiness, but it's true). I have also finally found a man I can be in a healthy, committed relationship with. All of these things have happened to me while I was wearing the same glasses. It may seem silly of me, but I see my glasses as not only an extension of my face but an extension of myself.
So when I think about it, getting rid of my cat's eyes was probably a good move. Maybe it will help me expand my idea of myself, or at least stop identifying myself by my glasses. I am a multifaceted woman. It would be a shame to pigeonhole myself.
Update: I decided to add some pictures of myself in contacts. For anyone who doesn't know me and is reading this (creepy), or anyone who knew me before I wore glasses, this may not matter to you. But you can still enjoy the pretty pictures, yes?
On a side note, I should use a different editor and fancy-up my blog. This layout looks kind of lame. But that will come in time. Also, I was too lazy to resize the pictures, so if you click on them you have a photo big enough for your desktop! But I'm guessing only a stalker would resort to that.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Here's what Jesseca Blogherpour is all about
Along with being about my opinions on a variety of topics (mainly entertainment and politics), this blog is about me, Jesseca Bagherpour (the blog title is a pun based on my name... get it?). Actually, it's mostly about me. It's about what's going on in my life and in my head. And my opinions on various subjects will inevitably be included. Because it's about me, I thought it fitting for the first blog to be a summary of what's currently happening in my life.
In 2007 I graduated from the University of North Texas with a bachelor's degree in journalism in December 2007. Much to my dismay, I did not find a journalism job after graduation. I had to choose between moving back in with my parents until I found a real job and finding a temporary gig until I could start my career. I chose the latter, mainly because I thought moving in with my parents was a step backwards (but also because they live in my hometown of Wichita Falls and I didn't want to be there). So I decided to get a job as a waitress. I'd always wanted to try it and I figured I could make more money doing that than I could in retail. I was right. I was also right about how much I would like my job.
But I forgot to consider the toll waiting tables would take on my body. It's hard enough for the average person, but I have Fibromyalgia. After about 6 months, I had to quit working. My body couldn't handle that or any other job. So at the age of 25 I found myself being supported by my boyfriend and waiting to hear about my disability claim. I didn't expect to hear about my claim for a few months, and I expected rejection. It took a toll both on me and my boyfriend. I had hit a low point physically, financially and emotionally. I was in the worst shape I'd been in since I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 15.
Things finally started looking up at the begining of January. A woman the local Social Security office called to inform me that I was approved and would begin receiving benefits within a week. I immediately felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. When I told my boyfriend, I think he felt the same way. It was a relief not feeling like I was burdening him financially. It's not the ideal situation for me. I didn't spend eight years in college (from the ages of 16 through 24) so I could get financial support from the government. But it was certainly an improvement.
Now, two months later, I can already see an improvement in my health. I have been trying to relax while also being as active as possible. I try to engage in some form of exercise, mainly walking and yoga, at least 20 minutes a day. My goal is to be working at least part time by June. In the meantime, I am going to do a bit of unpaid freelance writing so I can work on my clips. This is a time for me to work on my emotional, spiritual and physical health and to form good habits so I don't have another relapse in 10 years. My goal is to be working at least part time by June. In the meantime, I am going to do a bit of unpaid freelance writing so I can work on my clips. I may be on a break from work, but if I want a good job when I'm better I need to write as much as I can. That is, of course, where this blog comes in. I want to build a following with it, a following which will hopefully some day include some media big wigs.
I have only given a little taste about what I am about and what's going on in my life. As I write more, my readers will learn more about my personality, background, tastes and will just get an overall better picture of who I am. While this blog is about entertaining others, it is mainly an outlet for my writing. Writing, for me, is as important as eating or even breathing. Without it, I have no life.
In 2007 I graduated from the University of North Texas with a bachelor's degree in journalism in December 2007. Much to my dismay, I did not find a journalism job after graduation. I had to choose between moving back in with my parents until I found a real job and finding a temporary gig until I could start my career. I chose the latter, mainly because I thought moving in with my parents was a step backwards (but also because they live in my hometown of Wichita Falls and I didn't want to be there). So I decided to get a job as a waitress. I'd always wanted to try it and I figured I could make more money doing that than I could in retail. I was right. I was also right about how much I would like my job.
But I forgot to consider the toll waiting tables would take on my body. It's hard enough for the average person, but I have Fibromyalgia. After about 6 months, I had to quit working. My body couldn't handle that or any other job. So at the age of 25 I found myself being supported by my boyfriend and waiting to hear about my disability claim. I didn't expect to hear about my claim for a few months, and I expected rejection. It took a toll both on me and my boyfriend. I had hit a low point physically, financially and emotionally. I was in the worst shape I'd been in since I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 15.
Things finally started looking up at the begining of January. A woman the local Social Security office called to inform me that I was approved and would begin receiving benefits within a week. I immediately felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. When I told my boyfriend, I think he felt the same way. It was a relief not feeling like I was burdening him financially. It's not the ideal situation for me. I didn't spend eight years in college (from the ages of 16 through 24) so I could get financial support from the government. But it was certainly an improvement.
Now, two months later, I can already see an improvement in my health. I have been trying to relax while also being as active as possible. I try to engage in some form of exercise, mainly walking and yoga, at least 20 minutes a day. My goal is to be working at least part time by June. In the meantime, I am going to do a bit of unpaid freelance writing so I can work on my clips. This is a time for me to work on my emotional, spiritual and physical health and to form good habits so I don't have another relapse in 10 years. My goal is to be working at least part time by June. In the meantime, I am going to do a bit of unpaid freelance writing so I can work on my clips. I may be on a break from work, but if I want a good job when I'm better I need to write as much as I can. That is, of course, where this blog comes in. I want to build a following with it, a following which will hopefully some day include some media big wigs.
I have only given a little taste about what I am about and what's going on in my life. As I write more, my readers will learn more about my personality, background, tastes and will just get an overall better picture of who I am. While this blog is about entertaining others, it is mainly an outlet for my writing. Writing, for me, is as important as eating or even breathing. Without it, I have no life.
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