Purge

I have decided to write what will probably be my most raw and least comprehensible blog post thus far. I am currently going through withdrawal from hydrocodone, which I have taken for 10 years to treat fibromyalgia pain. Recent studies have shown that taking pain medication is actually counterproductive for fibro sufferers. Our brains are programmed to make our bodies feel pain, so the pain pills only cause more pain (after a certain dosage, at least). That was one catalyst for my decision.

Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.

Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.

Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.

I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.

Ah ... to be young and ... sick ... again (a.k.a At least I have my health ... oh, damn ... I don't have that either)

I hate to feel like I keep complaining, but being a young person with chronic health problems really sucks. I would put it more delicately, but that's the thing... I can't. Because I am angry right now about how it has put my life at a standstill for eight months now. I am not sure how much my cortisol levels have to do with my current situation and how much my FM is to blame, but either way it just blows.

And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.

I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.

But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).

I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.

I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.

While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.

Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.

I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.