It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
No comments:
Post a Comment