Purge

I have decided to write what will probably be my most raw and least comprehensible blog post thus far. I am currently going through withdrawal from hydrocodone, which I have taken for 10 years to treat fibromyalgia pain. Recent studies have shown that taking pain medication is actually counterproductive for fibro sufferers. Our brains are programmed to make our bodies feel pain, so the pain pills only cause more pain (after a certain dosage, at least). That was one catalyst for my decision.

Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.

Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.

Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.

I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.

Ah ... to be young and ... sick ... again (a.k.a At least I have my health ... oh, damn ... I don't have that either)

I hate to feel like I keep complaining, but being a young person with chronic health problems really sucks. I would put it more delicately, but that's the thing... I can't. Because I am angry right now about how it has put my life at a standstill for eight months now. I am not sure how much my cortisol levels have to do with my current situation and how much my FM is to blame, but either way it just blows.

And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.

I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.

But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).

I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.

I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.

While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.

Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.

I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.

Cortisol-ution: Week 2

I have just finished the second week of my new lifestyle aimed at bringing down my cortisol levels and improving my overall health.

Here's a little progress report (there's a summary at the end if you want to scroll down and skip ahead... but if you had better things to do than waste time reading about me, I guess you wouldn't be here):

I am sticking to my diet quite well-- I have been fighting cravings for foods with refined sugar, refined flour and caffeine but thus far have fought all such cravings. If I want something sweet, I eat some fruit, chocolate or vanilla yogurt (which I make with vanilla extract and agave nectar). I am figuring out how to be work with agave nectar as a low-glycemic alternative to sugar. Luckily I bought it several months ago and know how to use it pretty well. I am great at making chocolate syrup only using some agave nectar and cocoa powder, bother perfectly reasonable things for me to consume. As far as salty things go, I am encouraged to use sea salt liberally, so I have no problems there. And I am trying to come up with fun recipes involving other foods I am allowed to eat. Having only a toaster oven to cook with (we just bought a gas oven but still need the couplers to connect it) and being on a restricted diet can be stressful, but I'm trying to turn it into a fun challenge. I have noticed a decrease in appetite. On the surface, that's good because I was constantly hungry before. But I am supposed to eat every three hours and lately I have to force myself to do so. I may even need to set a timer so I don't forget meals (I've been doing that as well). While I haven't noticed real improvement in the way I feel because of my diet, I know that being consistent with it will be key in getting better.

Even though I haven't noticed the good effects of my diet, I have noticed one major downside. I have been experiencing excruciating stomach cramps and other unpleasant gastronomic reactions. I think the culprits are probably all of the raw vegetables I have been eating. In particular, I have been drinking one cup of tomato juice per day to make my omega 3 liquids easier to handle (I also dissolve a teaspoon of sea salt in it to cover the orange taste of the omega 3 (orange and tomato is not a good combo... and I am not allowed oranges so I don't get why I am taking this particular formula) and because it sounds better than dissolving it in water). I have IBS and my stomach is already acidic on its own. So you can imagine what dumping a cup of tomatoes, and sometimes eating tomatoes, along with eating roughage every day is doing to my poor digestive system. The thing is, I am not supposed to drink fruit juice and I don't know what else I can put the omega 3 formula in. I have an issue with taste and texture and think anything else could enter vomit territory. I already tried it with my cereal and it was hard to finish.

As far as keeping my stress level down, I am still struggling. For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier. I have a type A personality and want everything to be perfect. I have a need to be in control of things and my anxiety worsens when I lose that control. And it is hard for me to allow other people to do things that I think (or know) I can do better. But I have realized that I am going to have to ask David for more help, even if he doesn't do as thorough a job as I do. I mainly need help getting things unpacked and finally getting the house in order. And doing basic chores, like washing the dishes, is a draining (no pun intended) task for me. Most days I don't even attempt cleaning lately because of my lack of energy. And when I go out to run errands, especially to get groceries (another thing I have control issues about), it wipes out my energy reserves for the week. Keeping up with the bills also stresses me because I am the one who always does it and I worry about what will happen if I don't. I have been trying my best to rest without feeling like I'm being lazy. Knowing that my health depends on it helps a great deal. I mean, I knew I needed to relax with having Fibromyalgia, but knowing that my adrenal gland could tap out seems a lot more serious than having to deal with extra pain for a few days because I overdid it. I am learning to tell people "no" or "later" when they ask me to do things, even fun things. I am also learning to ask for, and possibly demand, help from the people in my life.

Along the same lines, the sleep thing is not going so well either. I just looked at the clock and it is 10:13 p.m., 13 minutes after my recommended bedtime. But I am honestly not tired. And I have had trouble getting tired, or staying tired, or falling asleep even though I'm exhausted, or staying asleep. Sleep, just like anxiety, has been a major issue I've struggled with since childhood. I was on Elavil, an antidepressant that was frequently (but not as much now) prescribed for sleep, when I was around six. And I think my anxiety has a great deal to do with it. But I've tried all manner of pills and supplements to alleviate the anxiety and/or to help me sleep. Some of them nauseated me, some of them made me feel high, some had no effect. Most worked but wore off unless I took higher and higher doses, usually reaching the highest healthy dose and being left once again with no help. The meds I am currently taking (klonopin) worked beautifully the first night and I had high hopes. But by the next night they had stopped helping. They relax me to the point of barely being able to walk, but they still don't help me sleep. Breathing techniques and guided relaxation help me fall asleep, but I almost inevitably wake up mid-sleep and struggle to fall asleep again. And being a light sleeper with a boyfriend and dog who both seem unaware of that fact doesn't help matters. I have been in bed for 11 hours almost every night as I should (and at least I haven't been shaming myself for it like I was doing before), but 8 or fewer of those hours are spent actually sleeping. I need something to turn my brain off. I overanalye things constantly, to the point of keeping myself from sleeping.

My emotional breakdowns have not improved. It would be best to ask David how many breakdowns he has seen me have over the past six months. It's hard for me to keep track... they get pretty intense so I generally don't stop in the middle and jot down which one I'm on. But my most recent one was a couple of days ago and it involved a desk. If a desk seems like a trivial thing to get upset over, you don't truly know a hormonal woman, or at least me in particular. The desk in question is a computer desk we did not have room for in the house, so we left it on the porch. Now, we were both well aware of the stringent policies in Denton banning indoor furniture from being displayed outdoors. But we assumed we would be rid of the desk before a problem arose. We were wrong. We got a letter in the mail, right before I took a trip to Wichita Falls to see my (former) pain management doctor, telling us we had 10 days to get rid of the desk. Well, being the worrier I am, I started stressing out about the desk and repeatedly reminded David to post the desk on Craigslist (he did and nobody wanted it) or find someone to haul it away (he did not do that). So, two weeks later we still had the desk and I decided to take matters into my own hands. He no longer had the pictures of the desk, so I went to the porch to take some. But the desk was not assembled. The (very heavy) shelf that goes on top was beside it. When I tried to put the (very heavy) shelf on top I dropped it and it broke in two. So when I again couldn't lift it I decided throwing the pieces of the shelf onto the front lawn would be a fine idea. That got David's attention and he told me to go take a nap. Instead I decided to lie down and sob uncontrollably for about ten minutes straight. And David was completely calm and rational the whole time. He sat beside me and comforted me. I decided not to lift heavy things without help anymore (my hands still hurt from that) and to eat my meals at regular intervals, even when I'm not hungry (I don't know how many times I have to learn that lesson). I think if I had eaten when I should have, I would not have been quite so irrational in my actions or quite so upset.

To summarize: I am eating the things I should, but my stress and anxiety levels are still too high and I need to get better quality sleep.

I am going to stay on course with my diet and do what I can to improve my sleep and relaxation. It's just hard for someone who prefers being busy to have to deal with doing very little to nothing. I basically have (or should have) Garfield's lifestyle right now-- eating several times a day and napping in between. For me, being inactive is more stressful than being overscheduled. I like having my day planned down to the minute. I like having a checklist with all the items checked off. So maybe I should have a checklist that has RELAX and SLEEP as two of the top items.

You can have too much of a good thing (a.k.a. I need a cortisol-ution... a.k.a. My adrenal gland is near collapse)

A few weeks ago I had some blood work done. Having been a sickly child (and a sickly teen… and a sickly adult), I’m no stranger to being poked and prodded. I have had my blood work done more than a few times, most notably when I was diagnosed with beta thalessemia minor at age six and with Fibromyalgia at age 15 (the blood test was to rule out all other possible illnesses). But I have never had to fast like I did this time.

Did I mention that the main objective of the blood work was to figure out why I have been experiencing weakness, dizzy spells and fatigue (beyond what I normally experience with FM)? Those symptoms only worsen when I haven’t eaten. So driving to the doctor’s office and having blood drawn wasn’t exactly fun. An empty stomach plus loss of blood equals a weak and grumpy Jesseca. The phlebotomists even asked me if I was all right because I was visibly shaken up (and probably even more pale than usual).

I had to fast (and come in before 9 a.m., by the by… and mornings are bad for FM sufferers) so my cortisol would be at a base level. As I found out on Wednesday, when I went back to go over my results, my base cortisol level was 37.8. According to the paperwork she gave me, the normal level between 7 and 9 a.m. is between 4 and 22. If you don’t know about cortisol (and all I knew was that it made you gain belly weight… which I have), it’s a hormone released by your adrenal gland when you're stressed out. It can be a helpful hormone, giving us energy and motivation to handle a tough situation. But my adrenal gland is clearly releasing too much of the stuff. As my doctor (well, nurse practitioner, but that’s really semantics if you ask me) put it, “Even if I didn’t know you, I’d think you were a really stressed out person.”

And I am. I realized I was, but the test results were a real wakeup call. I was relieved to find out why, for at least the past six months, I have been experiencing: dizziness (especially during my period), weakness, non-stop anxiety, irritability, depression, mood swings, severe PMS, irregular periods (as in more than on per month, even though my birth control should have stopped them altogether), weight gain (mainly in the stomach region where I’ve never carried weight before), insomnia, extreme salt and sugar cravings, hypoglycemia, lack of concentration, memory loss and an inability to handle everyday stress. As I said, I have some of those symptoms because of Fibromyalgia, but they have been much worse than usual. I have been a big, crazy ball of emotions who can’t stand for thirty minutes without feeling like passing out. There was even an incident when I nearly fainted while sitting… in the car… during traffic. In short, I was at my breaking point. I thought it was from stress-induced exhaustion because we were in the middle of moving. And I was right. Now I know the extent of the problems stress has caused.

The relief of knowing what was wrong was accompanied by fear because of how serious this issue is and can become. If I don’t get myself back into shape, my adrenal gland could exhaust its resources. Luckily, we caught the problem before things got too serious. I know what I need to do to make myself better: get more sleep (11 hours a night), change my diet (basically- more protein, more complex carbs, no caffeine or refined sugars, low potassium), exercise more (which has been hard with the weakness but should be easier in a week or so) and relax. The first three are pretty simple. I have suffered from insomnia, but she gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I think will work. And I have always had pretty good will power when it comes to eating right and exercise (other than recent junk food binges and total lack of energy or motivation, which I now understand). But relaxation is not my forte. I have had to learn and re-learn relaxation techniques from various teachers, doctors, therapists and physical therapists. But I keep going back to my natural state of anxiety and stress.

Hopefully I can whip myself into shape and this will be the beginning of a new, relaxed (and belly-less) Jesseca. There’s also a good chance that getting my cortisol in check will help my FM go into remission. And then I will be able to work, which is actually much less stressful for me than not working.

I go back for a check up in a month and in the meantime I will to my best to post progress updates on this blog.