Ah ... to be young and ... sick ... again (a.k.a At least I have my health ... oh, damn ... I don't have that either)

I hate to feel like I keep complaining, but being a young person with chronic health problems really sucks. I would put it more delicately, but that's the thing... I can't. Because I am angry right now about how it has put my life at a standstill for eight months now. I am not sure how much my cortisol levels have to do with my current situation and how much my FM is to blame, but either way it just blows.

And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.

I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.

But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).

I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.

I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.

While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.

Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.

I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.