I have made a promise to myself that I am going to write more blog entries. I am also going to make my blog look more professional. And I'm going to write about things that don't involve my personal life (although the personal entries will continue). I was going to update and then write about other subjects, but my pain and fatigue (not to mention a poor attention span) are overwhelming me today. So for now I will give a short update. Soon, I will write about non-me topics.
As far as my current situation, it isn't drastically different from my last update. I was discharged from physical therapy and feel a lot more capable of handling daily life, including work. I have been more physically active, although I contracted what I'm almost certain was H1N1 while in Austin (my trip lasted from October 6-9 and I was sick until the 14) and have yet to get back into full swing with my yoga and cardio routines. I was doing yoga at least twice a day and cardio (at the North Lakes Rec Center) a few times a week. The weather change (rain+cold front=ouch) is currently hindering my progress. But I hope to get back on track soon. I'm also working on finding a job. I'm going to the UNT Career Center on Tuesday and I'm hoping they can help me out. Obviously I'm doing something wrong. Or the economy has gone down the crapper. Who knows ...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Music is Happiness
Since today was actually a pretty great day, especially compared to the past two days, I thought I would talk about something not related to my health. I will say, however, that plenty of sleep, lots of fluids and yoga have worked wonders to make me feel better. Who need pain pills? I sure don't.
Another thing that has helped, other than the support of loved ones, has been music. There have been three albums in particular that have helped distract me from the various upsets life has thrown my way.
The first is Wilco's self-titled album. Wilco has been one of my favorite bands since my older brother introduced me to them. But I listened to this particular album streaming a few weeks before it came out and wasn't impressed. It took listening to it three times, all the way through, for me to realize how brilliant it is (just like all of their other albums). Every season, I tend to find a new album I get hooked on (particularly after a breakup). Wilco (The Album) is my summer/breakup album for 2009. I had been looking for something to break my musical rut, and that album did it for me. Wilco (The Song), One Wing and Bull Black Nova are particular favorite tracks. But it's beautiful from start to finish. I love Wilco's poppier side. Summerteeth is my favorite (possibly second favorite now) Wilco album. But you mainly here the Beach Boys and the Beatles on that record. On Wilco you can also hear Television (which makes sense because they're one of Tweedy's favorite bands and Tom Verlaine recently gave him guitar lessons), ELO and the Kinks. But every track is still clearly a Wilco song.
The second album is Dark Night of the Soul, by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse. Sparklehorse (Mark Linkous) wrote the songs and Danger Mouse provides the beats. Vocalists on the tracks include Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), The Flaming Lips, Vic Chestnutt, Iggy Pop and David Lynch (who also made a book of photographs to accompany the album). Currently, the album is on hold because of a dispute with EMI. But until then, the book is available at Amazon.com and you can listen to the album streaming at NPR.com. I've only given the album one listen, but my favorite tracks thus far are Star Eyes (I Can't Catch It), sung by David Lynch, and Just War, sung by Gruff Rhys. The album is what you would expect from a melding of Danger Mouse's beats with Sparklehorse's lyrics and ethereal musical sensibility. It merits the attention it's been getting. I hope it actually comes out, and soon.
The third album is by The Thermals, a punk band from Portland, Oregon. I must say that over the past couple of years they have increasingly become a favorite of mine. Now We Can See came out in March, but I just got around to (legally) downloading the full album. I'm glad I did. The album, like their others, is chock full of infectious beats and hooks. Hutch Harris' vocals and guitar are powerful and clear and Kathy Foster shows off her multi-instrumental talent by covering drums, bass, piano and backing vocals. As far as I'm concerned, The Thermals are power pop/punk at it's very best. The lyrics have deep meaning, but the music is so catchy that it keeps the songs fun. The tracks I especially love on this one are the title track (with its handclaps and "oh we oh we oooohs"), Liquid In, Liquid Out and Let It Go. But really the whole album is awesome and, like Wilco, bears repeated listening. It also makes you want to dance in your underthings (or maybe that's just me).
All three of these albums are pretty perfect altogether. I can't find one track I feel the need to skip over. That's why they make my list of current musical obsessions. Here's to more blogs about happy things like music. And here's to the talented people who make that music.
Another thing that has helped, other than the support of loved ones, has been music. There have been three albums in particular that have helped distract me from the various upsets life has thrown my way.
The first is Wilco's self-titled album. Wilco has been one of my favorite bands since my older brother introduced me to them. But I listened to this particular album streaming a few weeks before it came out and wasn't impressed. It took listening to it three times, all the way through, for me to realize how brilliant it is (just like all of their other albums). Every season, I tend to find a new album I get hooked on (particularly after a breakup). Wilco (The Album) is my summer/breakup album for 2009. I had been looking for something to break my musical rut, and that album did it for me. Wilco (The Song), One Wing and Bull Black Nova are particular favorite tracks. But it's beautiful from start to finish. I love Wilco's poppier side. Summerteeth is my favorite (possibly second favorite now) Wilco album. But you mainly here the Beach Boys and the Beatles on that record. On Wilco you can also hear Television (which makes sense because they're one of Tweedy's favorite bands and Tom Verlaine recently gave him guitar lessons), ELO and the Kinks. But every track is still clearly a Wilco song.
The second album is Dark Night of the Soul, by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse. Sparklehorse (Mark Linkous) wrote the songs and Danger Mouse provides the beats. Vocalists on the tracks include Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), The Flaming Lips, Vic Chestnutt, Iggy Pop and David Lynch (who also made a book of photographs to accompany the album). Currently, the album is on hold because of a dispute with EMI. But until then, the book is available at Amazon.com and you can listen to the album streaming at NPR.com. I've only given the album one listen, but my favorite tracks thus far are Star Eyes (I Can't Catch It), sung by David Lynch, and Just War, sung by Gruff Rhys. The album is what you would expect from a melding of Danger Mouse's beats with Sparklehorse's lyrics and ethereal musical sensibility. It merits the attention it's been getting. I hope it actually comes out, and soon.
The third album is by The Thermals, a punk band from Portland, Oregon. I must say that over the past couple of years they have increasingly become a favorite of mine. Now We Can See came out in March, but I just got around to (legally) downloading the full album. I'm glad I did. The album, like their others, is chock full of infectious beats and hooks. Hutch Harris' vocals and guitar are powerful and clear and Kathy Foster shows off her multi-instrumental talent by covering drums, bass, piano and backing vocals. As far as I'm concerned, The Thermals are power pop/punk at it's very best. The lyrics have deep meaning, but the music is so catchy that it keeps the songs fun. The tracks I especially love on this one are the title track (with its handclaps and "oh we oh we oooohs"), Liquid In, Liquid Out and Let It Go. But really the whole album is awesome and, like Wilco, bears repeated listening. It also makes you want to dance in your underthings (or maybe that's just me).
All three of these albums are pretty perfect altogether. I can't find one track I feel the need to skip over. That's why they make my list of current musical obsessions. Here's to more blogs about happy things like music. And here's to the talented people who make that music.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Day Two
Last night, I was certain that today would be much better than yesterday. I was wrong.
It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Purge
I have decided to write what will probably be my most raw and least comprehensible blog post thus far. I am currently going through withdrawal from hydrocodone, which I have taken for 10 years to treat fibromyalgia pain. Recent studies have shown that taking pain medication is actually counterproductive for fibro sufferers. Our brains are programmed to make our bodies feel pain, so the pain pills only cause more pain (after a certain dosage, at least). That was one catalyst for my decision.
Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.
Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.
Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.
I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.
Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.
Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.
Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.
I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Ah ... to be young and ... sick ... again (a.k.a At least I have my health ... oh, damn ... I don't have that either)
I hate to feel like I keep complaining, but being a young person with chronic health problems really sucks. I would put it more delicately, but that's the thing... I can't. Because I am angry right now about how it has put my life at a standstill for eight months now. I am not sure how much my cortisol levels have to do with my current situation and how much my FM is to blame, but either way it just blows.
And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.
I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.
But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).
I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.
I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.
While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.
Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.
I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.
And I know there are a lot of older people who suffer from the same sorts of aches, pains and lack of energy that I do. But that's the thing-- they're older. They've gotten to enjoy they're youth and now they are facing the results of the aging process and possibly also the consequences of poor lifestyle choices.
I, on the other hand, have had to deal with chronic pain, fatigue, digestion problems, sleep problems and a plethora of other issues since I was 15. I am grateful to my pediatrician for researching and testing me extensively until she could diagnose me. And I am grateful to my physical therapists, acupuncturists, therapists and pain management doctor for helping me go into remission. I'm also grateful to my parents, especially my mom, for the financial and particularly the emotional support during my hardest times. My mom has fibromyalgia as well and I am certain it set in because of the trauma and stress of caring for a sick child.
But I am still a bit bitter, and probably always will be, for missing out on experiencing being a teenager. Depression and anxiety stole a great deal of my childhood from me, if not literally at least as far as my memories go. And fibromyalgia stole what should have been my carefree teen years from me. My only comfort is the realization that my Type-A personality would have ruined my carefree teen years anyway. I would have still focused on studying more than dating and would have preferred quietly watching a movie or TV show with a close friend to going to noisy, drunken parties. But at least I would have been making a choice. I simply didn't have the energy tto study and date or to go to noisy, drunken parties. I was in college by 16, so almost nobody my age still remembered me and I was too intimidated to socialize with my classmates (well, when I was a freshman I just thought the other freshmen were too immature, but the older students intimidated me).
I did get to experience a taste of being a carefree twentysomething. I have dated and gone to drunken parties. And I quickly tired of that scene. I am more suited to settling down with someone I truly love and watching a movie at home with him or a friend. But if I had the energy, I know I would get out more. I do enjoy socializing. I like dancing and going to live shows, even if I don't like "keggers" (which I think most people outgrow by 25 anyway, unless they throw or go to them ironically or for nostalgic reasons). But the most I can generally do is go to a movie or dinner, where I sit down just as I do at home. I can run errands and go to the occasional show (not nearly as many as I'd like to), but those take my energy for the week and dancing is out of the question. Taking the long walks I love to take and doing yoga have been mostly impossible as well.
I almost wish I hadn't gotten a taste of reckless youth. It only makes me wistful. Being a responsible adult is what I have always wanted, but then I realized how fun being a little irresponsible is. Being spontaneous is exciting now and then. Making mistakes is a good method of learning. But now my three years of irresponsibility have passed.
While I know my health will (probably) eventually improve as far as my adrenal fatigue goes, I don't have much hope of my fibromyalgia improving. And even if I do experience another remission, I will always have it to some degree. And the natural aging process is only going to make it worse as the years drag on.
Now, I know there are kids younger than I am who have the same disease I do or worse. And I feel sad for them too. I mourn the loss of childhood that any sick kid-- whether it be from asthma, depression, bipolar disorder, cancer or anything else-- has to experience. I wish all of us could have really gotten to be kids and teenagers. But the experience of being a child suffering from an illness does give a person inner strength and wisdom that others don't have. And at least I get to be an adult who missed out on things, rather than a child who didn't even make it to five, let alone 25. So I must count my blessings-- life, love, freedom, security, education ... Even though health isn't one of them, I think I have more than enough other blessings to make up for it.
I didn't even write this entry looking for a happy ending, but it looks like I gave myself one.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Peanut Butter Plan
Yesterday I decided to join a new movement: The Peanut Butter Plan. The story, in a nutshell: A young man in San Francisco saw hungry people around him and decided to do something about it. So he got some friends together and made sandwiches to pass out to those hungry people. The PBP is spreading across the country. People who join pledge to make and hand out sandwiches at least once a month. I am the point person for Denton and am trying to get more of my friends to join and to start PBP's in their own cities.
This post strikes me as slightly ironic for two reasons:
1) I myself am not allowed to eat peanut butter or jelly and am discouraged from eating much bread, but I will be making large quantities of them to give to other people. It seems like I will be leading myself into the path of temptation. On the bright side though, I do have some peanut butter and jelly I can no longer consume myself so I can put it to very good use.
2)I just posted a blog about how I needed to relax more and learn to tell people know. I said I need to learn to let other people do things for me because I don't have the energy to do a lot myself.
The thing is, what I lack in energy I make up for in compassion (and in time, for that matter). And this thing is so simple yet so important that I can't not do it. It will only take about $10 in supplies, an hour of preparation and half an hour of handing out food (and interacting with people I normally wouldn't be in touch with) to make a difference in people's lives. I may not be able to provide all the meals they need, but I will at least make sure they have an extra meal one weekend a month. And I hope to eventually gather enough volunteers to have sandwich weekends every week.
At first I will probably go around passing out food on Sundays. I am going to do more research, but from what I learned writing stories about the local homeless a couple of years ago that's when they have the most trouble finding food. But it could spread to an entire weekend, then to every weekend. But this small first step will be enough to at least ensure that I am making some direct impact on the local homeless community. In Denton, the homeless are often ignored and I want them to know that people care about them.
On a selfish level, I think helping people will also help me. It will make me feel like I am making a difference in people's lives (my main goal as a journalist) and that will help me to relax and be happy. And I think every volunteer gets something back from it. Making other people happy makes you happy too. It's just the way it works. It's never the main objective of volunteering, but it's the best byproduct.
If you would like to help with my Peanut Butter Plan, or perhaps start one in your city, contact me or go to Peanut Butter Plan. I believe you need a facebook account to look at the group. All credit for this idea goes to Jory John of San Francisco. He's inspirational.
This post strikes me as slightly ironic for two reasons:
1) I myself am not allowed to eat peanut butter or jelly and am discouraged from eating much bread, but I will be making large quantities of them to give to other people. It seems like I will be leading myself into the path of temptation. On the bright side though, I do have some peanut butter and jelly I can no longer consume myself so I can put it to very good use.
2)I just posted a blog about how I needed to relax more and learn to tell people know. I said I need to learn to let other people do things for me because I don't have the energy to do a lot myself.
The thing is, what I lack in energy I make up for in compassion (and in time, for that matter). And this thing is so simple yet so important that I can't not do it. It will only take about $10 in supplies, an hour of preparation and half an hour of handing out food (and interacting with people I normally wouldn't be in touch with) to make a difference in people's lives. I may not be able to provide all the meals they need, but I will at least make sure they have an extra meal one weekend a month. And I hope to eventually gather enough volunteers to have sandwich weekends every week.
At first I will probably go around passing out food on Sundays. I am going to do more research, but from what I learned writing stories about the local homeless a couple of years ago that's when they have the most trouble finding food. But it could spread to an entire weekend, then to every weekend. But this small first step will be enough to at least ensure that I am making some direct impact on the local homeless community. In Denton, the homeless are often ignored and I want them to know that people care about them.
On a selfish level, I think helping people will also help me. It will make me feel like I am making a difference in people's lives (my main goal as a journalist) and that will help me to relax and be happy. And I think every volunteer gets something back from it. Making other people happy makes you happy too. It's just the way it works. It's never the main objective of volunteering, but it's the best byproduct.
If you would like to help with my Peanut Butter Plan, or perhaps start one in your city, contact me or go to Peanut Butter Plan. I believe you need a facebook account to look at the group. All credit for this idea goes to Jory John of San Francisco. He's inspirational.
Cortisol-ution: Week 2
I have just finished the second week of my new lifestyle aimed at bringing down my cortisol levels and improving my overall health.
Here's a little progress report (there's a summary at the end if you want to scroll down and skip ahead... but if you had better things to do than waste time reading about me, I guess you wouldn't be here):
I am sticking to my diet quite well-- I have been fighting cravings for foods with refined sugar, refined flour and caffeine but thus far have fought all such cravings. If I want something sweet, I eat some fruit, chocolate or vanilla yogurt (which I make with vanilla extract and agave nectar). I am figuring out how to be work with agave nectar as a low-glycemic alternative to sugar. Luckily I bought it several months ago and know how to use it pretty well. I am great at making chocolate syrup only using some agave nectar and cocoa powder, bother perfectly reasonable things for me to consume. As far as salty things go, I am encouraged to use sea salt liberally, so I have no problems there. And I am trying to come up with fun recipes involving other foods I am allowed to eat. Having only a toaster oven to cook with (we just bought a gas oven but still need the couplers to connect it) and being on a restricted diet can be stressful, but I'm trying to turn it into a fun challenge. I have noticed a decrease in appetite. On the surface, that's good because I was constantly hungry before. But I am supposed to eat every three hours and lately I have to force myself to do so. I may even need to set a timer so I don't forget meals (I've been doing that as well). While I haven't noticed real improvement in the way I feel because of my diet, I know that being consistent with it will be key in getting better.
Even though I haven't noticed the good effects of my diet, I have noticed one major downside. I have been experiencing excruciating stomach cramps and other unpleasant gastronomic reactions. I think the culprits are probably all of the raw vegetables I have been eating. In particular, I have been drinking one cup of tomato juice per day to make my omega 3 liquids easier to handle (I also dissolve a teaspoon of sea salt in it to cover the orange taste of the omega 3 (orange and tomato is not a good combo... and I am not allowed oranges so I don't get why I am taking this particular formula) and because it sounds better than dissolving it in water). I have IBS and my stomach is already acidic on its own. So you can imagine what dumping a cup of tomatoes, and sometimes eating tomatoes, along with eating roughage every day is doing to my poor digestive system. The thing is, I am not supposed to drink fruit juice and I don't know what else I can put the omega 3 formula in. I have an issue with taste and texture and think anything else could enter vomit territory. I already tried it with my cereal and it was hard to finish.
As far as keeping my stress level down, I am still struggling. For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier. I have a type A personality and want everything to be perfect. I have a need to be in control of things and my anxiety worsens when I lose that control. And it is hard for me to allow other people to do things that I think (or know) I can do better. But I have realized that I am going to have to ask David for more help, even if he doesn't do as thorough a job as I do. I mainly need help getting things unpacked and finally getting the house in order. And doing basic chores, like washing the dishes, is a draining (no pun intended) task for me. Most days I don't even attempt cleaning lately because of my lack of energy. And when I go out to run errands, especially to get groceries (another thing I have control issues about), it wipes out my energy reserves for the week. Keeping up with the bills also stresses me because I am the one who always does it and I worry about what will happen if I don't. I have been trying my best to rest without feeling like I'm being lazy. Knowing that my health depends on it helps a great deal. I mean, I knew I needed to relax with having Fibromyalgia, but knowing that my adrenal gland could tap out seems a lot more serious than having to deal with extra pain for a few days because I overdid it. I am learning to tell people "no" or "later" when they ask me to do things, even fun things. I am also learning to ask for, and possibly demand, help from the people in my life.
Along the same lines, the sleep thing is not going so well either. I just looked at the clock and it is 10:13 p.m., 13 minutes after my recommended bedtime. But I am honestly not tired. And I have had trouble getting tired, or staying tired, or falling asleep even though I'm exhausted, or staying asleep. Sleep, just like anxiety, has been a major issue I've struggled with since childhood. I was on Elavil, an antidepressant that was frequently (but not as much now) prescribed for sleep, when I was around six. And I think my anxiety has a great deal to do with it. But I've tried all manner of pills and supplements to alleviate the anxiety and/or to help me sleep. Some of them nauseated me, some of them made me feel high, some had no effect. Most worked but wore off unless I took higher and higher doses, usually reaching the highest healthy dose and being left once again with no help. The meds I am currently taking (klonopin) worked beautifully the first night and I had high hopes. But by the next night they had stopped helping. They relax me to the point of barely being able to walk, but they still don't help me sleep. Breathing techniques and guided relaxation help me fall asleep, but I almost inevitably wake up mid-sleep and struggle to fall asleep again. And being a light sleeper with a boyfriend and dog who both seem unaware of that fact doesn't help matters. I have been in bed for 11 hours almost every night as I should (and at least I haven't been shaming myself for it like I was doing before), but 8 or fewer of those hours are spent actually sleeping. I need something to turn my brain off. I overanalye things constantly, to the point of keeping myself from sleeping.
My emotional breakdowns have not improved. It would be best to ask David how many breakdowns he has seen me have over the past six months. It's hard for me to keep track... they get pretty intense so I generally don't stop in the middle and jot down which one I'm on. But my most recent one was a couple of days ago and it involved a desk. If a desk seems like a trivial thing to get upset over, you don't truly know a hormonal woman, or at least me in particular. The desk in question is a computer desk we did not have room for in the house, so we left it on the porch. Now, we were both well aware of the stringent policies in Denton banning indoor furniture from being displayed outdoors. But we assumed we would be rid of the desk before a problem arose. We were wrong. We got a letter in the mail, right before I took a trip to Wichita Falls to see my (former) pain management doctor, telling us we had 10 days to get rid of the desk. Well, being the worrier I am, I started stressing out about the desk and repeatedly reminded David to post the desk on Craigslist (he did and nobody wanted it) or find someone to haul it away (he did not do that). So, two weeks later we still had the desk and I decided to take matters into my own hands. He no longer had the pictures of the desk, so I went to the porch to take some. But the desk was not assembled. The (very heavy) shelf that goes on top was beside it. When I tried to put the (very heavy) shelf on top I dropped it and it broke in two. So when I again couldn't lift it I decided throwing the pieces of the shelf onto the front lawn would be a fine idea. That got David's attention and he told me to go take a nap. Instead I decided to lie down and sob uncontrollably for about ten minutes straight. And David was completely calm and rational the whole time. He sat beside me and comforted me. I decided not to lift heavy things without help anymore (my hands still hurt from that) and to eat my meals at regular intervals, even when I'm not hungry (I don't know how many times I have to learn that lesson). I think if I had eaten when I should have, I would not have been quite so irrational in my actions or quite so upset.
To summarize: I am eating the things I should, but my stress and anxiety levels are still too high and I need to get better quality sleep.
I am going to stay on course with my diet and do what I can to improve my sleep and relaxation. It's just hard for someone who prefers being busy to have to deal with doing very little to nothing. I basically have (or should have) Garfield's lifestyle right now-- eating several times a day and napping in between. For me, being inactive is more stressful than being overscheduled. I like having my day planned down to the minute. I like having a checklist with all the items checked off. So maybe I should have a checklist that has RELAX and SLEEP as two of the top items.
Here's a little progress report (there's a summary at the end if you want to scroll down and skip ahead... but if you had better things to do than waste time reading about me, I guess you wouldn't be here):
I am sticking to my diet quite well-- I have been fighting cravings for foods with refined sugar, refined flour and caffeine but thus far have fought all such cravings. If I want something sweet, I eat some fruit, chocolate or vanilla yogurt (which I make with vanilla extract and agave nectar). I am figuring out how to be work with agave nectar as a low-glycemic alternative to sugar. Luckily I bought it several months ago and know how to use it pretty well. I am great at making chocolate syrup only using some agave nectar and cocoa powder, bother perfectly reasonable things for me to consume. As far as salty things go, I am encouraged to use sea salt liberally, so I have no problems there. And I am trying to come up with fun recipes involving other foods I am allowed to eat. Having only a toaster oven to cook with (we just bought a gas oven but still need the couplers to connect it) and being on a restricted diet can be stressful, but I'm trying to turn it into a fun challenge. I have noticed a decrease in appetite. On the surface, that's good because I was constantly hungry before. But I am supposed to eat every three hours and lately I have to force myself to do so. I may even need to set a timer so I don't forget meals (I've been doing that as well). While I haven't noticed real improvement in the way I feel because of my diet, I know that being consistent with it will be key in getting better.
Even though I haven't noticed the good effects of my diet, I have noticed one major downside. I have been experiencing excruciating stomach cramps and other unpleasant gastronomic reactions. I think the culprits are probably all of the raw vegetables I have been eating. In particular, I have been drinking one cup of tomato juice per day to make my omega 3 liquids easier to handle (I also dissolve a teaspoon of sea salt in it to cover the orange taste of the omega 3 (orange and tomato is not a good combo... and I am not allowed oranges so I don't get why I am taking this particular formula) and because it sounds better than dissolving it in water). I have IBS and my stomach is already acidic on its own. So you can imagine what dumping a cup of tomatoes, and sometimes eating tomatoes, along with eating roughage every day is doing to my poor digestive system. The thing is, I am not supposed to drink fruit juice and I don't know what else I can put the omega 3 formula in. I have an issue with taste and texture and think anything else could enter vomit territory. I already tried it with my cereal and it was hard to finish.
As far as keeping my stress level down, I am still struggling. For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier. I have a type A personality and want everything to be perfect. I have a need to be in control of things and my anxiety worsens when I lose that control. And it is hard for me to allow other people to do things that I think (or know) I can do better. But I have realized that I am going to have to ask David for more help, even if he doesn't do as thorough a job as I do. I mainly need help getting things unpacked and finally getting the house in order. And doing basic chores, like washing the dishes, is a draining (no pun intended) task for me. Most days I don't even attempt cleaning lately because of my lack of energy. And when I go out to run errands, especially to get groceries (another thing I have control issues about), it wipes out my energy reserves for the week. Keeping up with the bills also stresses me because I am the one who always does it and I worry about what will happen if I don't. I have been trying my best to rest without feeling like I'm being lazy. Knowing that my health depends on it helps a great deal. I mean, I knew I needed to relax with having Fibromyalgia, but knowing that my adrenal gland could tap out seems a lot more serious than having to deal with extra pain for a few days because I overdid it. I am learning to tell people "no" or "later" when they ask me to do things, even fun things. I am also learning to ask for, and possibly demand, help from the people in my life.
Along the same lines, the sleep thing is not going so well either. I just looked at the clock and it is 10:13 p.m., 13 minutes after my recommended bedtime. But I am honestly not tired. And I have had trouble getting tired, or staying tired, or falling asleep even though I'm exhausted, or staying asleep. Sleep, just like anxiety, has been a major issue I've struggled with since childhood. I was on Elavil, an antidepressant that was frequently (but not as much now) prescribed for sleep, when I was around six. And I think my anxiety has a great deal to do with it. But I've tried all manner of pills and supplements to alleviate the anxiety and/or to help me sleep. Some of them nauseated me, some of them made me feel high, some had no effect. Most worked but wore off unless I took higher and higher doses, usually reaching the highest healthy dose and being left once again with no help. The meds I am currently taking (klonopin) worked beautifully the first night and I had high hopes. But by the next night they had stopped helping. They relax me to the point of barely being able to walk, but they still don't help me sleep. Breathing techniques and guided relaxation help me fall asleep, but I almost inevitably wake up mid-sleep and struggle to fall asleep again. And being a light sleeper with a boyfriend and dog who both seem unaware of that fact doesn't help matters. I have been in bed for 11 hours almost every night as I should (and at least I haven't been shaming myself for it like I was doing before), but 8 or fewer of those hours are spent actually sleeping. I need something to turn my brain off. I overanalye things constantly, to the point of keeping myself from sleeping.
My emotional breakdowns have not improved. It would be best to ask David how many breakdowns he has seen me have over the past six months. It's hard for me to keep track... they get pretty intense so I generally don't stop in the middle and jot down which one I'm on. But my most recent one was a couple of days ago and it involved a desk. If a desk seems like a trivial thing to get upset over, you don't truly know a hormonal woman, or at least me in particular. The desk in question is a computer desk we did not have room for in the house, so we left it on the porch. Now, we were both well aware of the stringent policies in Denton banning indoor furniture from being displayed outdoors. But we assumed we would be rid of the desk before a problem arose. We were wrong. We got a letter in the mail, right before I took a trip to Wichita Falls to see my (former) pain management doctor, telling us we had 10 days to get rid of the desk. Well, being the worrier I am, I started stressing out about the desk and repeatedly reminded David to post the desk on Craigslist (he did and nobody wanted it) or find someone to haul it away (he did not do that). So, two weeks later we still had the desk and I decided to take matters into my own hands. He no longer had the pictures of the desk, so I went to the porch to take some. But the desk was not assembled. The (very heavy) shelf that goes on top was beside it. When I tried to put the (very heavy) shelf on top I dropped it and it broke in two. So when I again couldn't lift it I decided throwing the pieces of the shelf onto the front lawn would be a fine idea. That got David's attention and he told me to go take a nap. Instead I decided to lie down and sob uncontrollably for about ten minutes straight. And David was completely calm and rational the whole time. He sat beside me and comforted me. I decided not to lift heavy things without help anymore (my hands still hurt from that) and to eat my meals at regular intervals, even when I'm not hungry (I don't know how many times I have to learn that lesson). I think if I had eaten when I should have, I would not have been quite so irrational in my actions or quite so upset.
To summarize: I am eating the things I should, but my stress and anxiety levels are still too high and I need to get better quality sleep.
I am going to stay on course with my diet and do what I can to improve my sleep and relaxation. It's just hard for someone who prefers being busy to have to deal with doing very little to nothing. I basically have (or should have) Garfield's lifestyle right now-- eating several times a day and napping in between. For me, being inactive is more stressful than being overscheduled. I like having my day planned down to the minute. I like having a checklist with all the items checked off. So maybe I should have a checklist that has RELAX and SLEEP as two of the top items.
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