Since today was actually a pretty great day, especially compared to the past two days, I thought I would talk about something not related to my health. I will say, however, that plenty of sleep, lots of fluids and yoga have worked wonders to make me feel better. Who need pain pills? I sure don't.
Another thing that has helped, other than the support of loved ones, has been music. There have been three albums in particular that have helped distract me from the various upsets life has thrown my way.
The first is Wilco's self-titled album. Wilco has been one of my favorite bands since my older brother introduced me to them. But I listened to this particular album streaming a few weeks before it came out and wasn't impressed. It took listening to it three times, all the way through, for me to realize how brilliant it is (just like all of their other albums). Every season, I tend to find a new album I get hooked on (particularly after a breakup). Wilco (The Album) is my summer/breakup album for 2009. I had been looking for something to break my musical rut, and that album did it for me. Wilco (The Song), One Wing and Bull Black Nova are particular favorite tracks. But it's beautiful from start to finish. I love Wilco's poppier side. Summerteeth is my favorite (possibly second favorite now) Wilco album. But you mainly here the Beach Boys and the Beatles on that record. On Wilco you can also hear Television (which makes sense because they're one of Tweedy's favorite bands and Tom Verlaine recently gave him guitar lessons), ELO and the Kinks. But every track is still clearly a Wilco song.
The second album is Dark Night of the Soul, by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse. Sparklehorse (Mark Linkous) wrote the songs and Danger Mouse provides the beats. Vocalists on the tracks include Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), The Flaming Lips, Vic Chestnutt, Iggy Pop and David Lynch (who also made a book of photographs to accompany the album). Currently, the album is on hold because of a dispute with EMI. But until then, the book is available at Amazon.com and you can listen to the album streaming at NPR.com. I've only given the album one listen, but my favorite tracks thus far are Star Eyes (I Can't Catch It), sung by David Lynch, and Just War, sung by Gruff Rhys. The album is what you would expect from a melding of Danger Mouse's beats with Sparklehorse's lyrics and ethereal musical sensibility. It merits the attention it's been getting. I hope it actually comes out, and soon.
The third album is by The Thermals, a punk band from Portland, Oregon. I must say that over the past couple of years they have increasingly become a favorite of mine. Now We Can See came out in March, but I just got around to (legally) downloading the full album. I'm glad I did. The album, like their others, is chock full of infectious beats and hooks. Hutch Harris' vocals and guitar are powerful and clear and Kathy Foster shows off her multi-instrumental talent by covering drums, bass, piano and backing vocals. As far as I'm concerned, The Thermals are power pop/punk at it's very best. The lyrics have deep meaning, but the music is so catchy that it keeps the songs fun. The tracks I especially love on this one are the title track (with its handclaps and "oh we oh we oooohs"), Liquid In, Liquid Out and Let It Go. But really the whole album is awesome and, like Wilco, bears repeated listening. It also makes you want to dance in your underthings (or maybe that's just me).
All three of these albums are pretty perfect altogether. I can't find one track I feel the need to skip over. That's why they make my list of current musical obsessions. Here's to more blogs about happy things like music. And here's to the talented people who make that music.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Day Two
Last night, I was certain that today would be much better than yesterday. I was wrong.
It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
It started out all right, once I woke up and moved past extreme grogginess (probably because I took half a methadone to ease my symptoms... they were doctor-prescribed but I stopped taking them because they made me dizzy and, well, groggy). But I gradually felt worse. I felt weak and had terrible hunger pains. Eating made it a bit better, after I pushed past the nausea. Then it didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again. I still feel like I have flu (achy muscles, overall clamminess, hot/cold flashes), which happens with fibro but not to this extent, and I feel anxious and restless. My stomach hurts (it's mainly just sore today instead of being upset) and I don't want to eat because the nausea is back.
David has been helping me by getting me food and checking in on me when he's gone. But it makes me feel a bit weird. He's not my boyfriend now and it's not his "job" to take care of me anymore. And when he was my boyfriend he wasn't as attentive as he's being now (he took care of me, but in more of a half-assed way). However, I am grateful that we can be nice to each other after such a roller coaster ride of a relationship and what started out as a rough breakup (which then got better and then got awful again for a couple of days). On Monday, he apologized for the things he did to hurt me and for not knowing how to deal with my illness. He has been incredibly kind and caring over the last few days. I think he's finally realized how much he neglected our relationship and how ignored I felt near the end of it (meaning the last half, really). It just reconfirms my belief that there is good in everyone, specifically in him. I hope we can stay friends.
I keep trying to distract myself, but then I start researching withdrawal symptoms again. I want to know if everything I'm feeling is normal. I want to know if I should expect things to get worse, or for new symptoms to come up. I want to know how long this will last. I'd been socializing a lot lately, but now I just want to shut myself away in my room. Yet at the same time I wish someone would check in on me and offer to hang out with me. The distraction would be nice. Books, movies and the Internet are all right, but having someone here to talk to and sit with might help more. I think I'm scared that I will get used to being antisocial again and won't want to go back.
But for now being alone is probably best. I would feel self-conscious. When I feel sick, I feel guilty because I can't entertain people. I feel like they probably get bored with me. And this is a sickness that makes me feel nervous and stir crazy. There aren't a lot of people I will allow to see me in my current state. Perhaps the main reason I want people to stay away is how I look right now. I normally have slight dark circles under my eyes, but right now they almost go past the edge of my glasses. And my skin is flushed and pink. At least I don't have to worry about David breaking up with me because of how bad I look (I had to include at least one joke in this depressing mess)!
For some reason--be it a desire to connect with and help others who are going through this as well (which was one point of documenting my withdrawal in the first place), slight masochism or the sheer exhibitionism required to write a blog which makes one's private life so public (if I had simply wanted to keep a personal record of the events in my life, this whole thing wouldn't be shared)--I felt the need to take and subsequently post pictures of what I look like today. They're pretty rough. But that's life sometimes.
My eyes have been burning (I think that's from allergies) so I've been wearing my glasses.
The last two show my dark circles better. My glasses were obscuring them. All three highlight my first zit in months, which probably came about from stress and getting of birth control.
This one captures my overall mood for the past couple of days--frustrated, lonely and just plain feeling bad.
At this point, I am wondering why I'm posting this blog. Anyone can look at it and I would be hesitant to tell many people what I am going through (face-to-face, that is) because I am embarrassed. Part of me probably wants to elicit sympathy. Maybe people will better understand how hard it is to get off of these pills. Maybe someone who has fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain, or someone who is addicted to the pills, is going through the same thing and will find comfort from reading my story (especially once I start feeling better).
I started this blog as a way for me to keep my writing skills sharp and to have some sort of work that publishers and editors could look at. But it's become an exercise in openness. I'm the kind of person who likes to hide things from people. I always hold back a little because I don't want to seem weak. And writing a blog is much easier than calling someone or, heaven forbid, talking to them in person about how much I'm struggling. If I keep writing this and getting positive responses from people, it could change the way I communicate. And my biggest project right now is changing myself for the better, from the inside out.
I feel like I've rambled enough for today. Maybe this is cohesive enough for others to read. But even if it isn't, I feel relieved after writing this. Here's hoping my next post is about how much my symptoms have improved (part of changing myself is trying to be a more positive person, but that last statement is downright delusional and naively optimistic ... oh, well).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Purge
I have decided to write what will probably be my most raw and least comprehensible blog post thus far. I am currently going through withdrawal from hydrocodone, which I have taken for 10 years to treat fibromyalgia pain. Recent studies have shown that taking pain medication is actually counterproductive for fibro sufferers. Our brains are programmed to make our bodies feel pain, so the pain pills only cause more pain (after a certain dosage, at least). That was one catalyst for my decision.
Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.
Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.
Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.
I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.
Another catalyst was the threat of liver damage. Even before the recent news broke of the FDA's desire to ban opiates that contain acetaminophen, I was aware of the risk I was taking. But after taking hydrocodone for 10 years, I'm sure the risk has increased. I am taking a higher dosage than when I started, because that's how it works. My body has built up a tolerance to it, along with a dependence on it. I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life though. I won't have a liver left.
Yet another was my recent break up with my live-in boyfriend (currently my live-in ex-boyfriend). I decided I need to do a complete overhaul. I need to get myself in good shape and do it without medication. I also decided to stop taking birth control, which I have taken on-and-off for about four year, and klonopin, which I was taking for about a month.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't take myself off of medications that my body has become dependent upon after I just got out of a long-term relationship (I blogged about that on Myspace and Facebook but not here, for some reason). Maybe it will be too much stress for me. But I've decided to purge myself of all unhealthy things in my life. So why not just get it all over with at once? I refuse to stay tied down to a pill the rest of my life, just like I refuse to stay tied down to a man who is wrong for me. Even though I tapered off (I went from two or three of 7.5 strength a day to only half in the morning), I know this will be hard. But I don't want to feel like an addict anymore.
Let's get to the fun part--the withdrawal symptoms. Currently, I feel slightly feverish and chilly and my hands are clammy. My stomach is all kinds of messed up, even more than it usually is due to my IBS. I feel loopy mentally and it is hard for me to concentrate. I'm also nervous and restless. But I've felt that way to a certain extent over the past several months anyway. On the bright side, my pain level isn't so bad. It's only slightly worse than when I take my pills. I think my body will be better off not being dependent on pain pills. I can figure out other ways to make myself feel better. There are long-term methods that won't damage my body--yoga, supplements, meditation, biofeedback, massage, etc. I need to stick to those.
I'm going to be completely open and say that, as I type about how little I need the pills, I keep thinking about the bottle of pills sitting on my desk and how easy it would be just to reach over and take one. And I can't bring myself to flush them or ask someone to hide them from me. But I know the instant gratification would give way to long-term consequences and regret. I am going to stay strong and keep telling myself that I'm better off without the pills. This may be the hardest breakup I've gone through yet.
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